I wrote this big long entry earlier and had it posted for a bit so you might have seen it, but I decided to just save it to the good old draft folder instead. Why? Well, cause some things just aren't worth it...... So I'ma sum it all up instead....pay attention now.... k.

Past like 5 weeks Seans been acting all withdrawn and wierdly quiet around home. He'd say it was work anytime I asked what had him so... meh.... and part of me can believe that... cuz he really does slave for them unappreciative bastards he works for and they barely give him shit... but hes worked for them for years and this year hasnt even been as bad as prior ones, so I know thats not entirely whats wrong with him.....

This year though, he's gone out more nights than he hasn't pretty much... and then at home he'ss got barely any intrest in anything....so I'm like hmm? I don't argue with him about it though, if he wants to go ut and have fun go ahead.. I'm fine with that.. just whatever time you will be home let me know so I dont worry. Thats literally all i ask. Well, thursday night he comes home round 2... house closes at 12. and to be quite honest I dont even fully recall the conversation that much but according to him this was my idea and he agreed... but from what my mind remembers it was his idea... he said it, I never said anything like seperating. If i'd have been thinking about seperating, I would have waited til after tomorrow (well its today actually now).. but yeah, it's been 5 years since my momma died today. and support from everywhere would be ideal, so if it was my idea to seperate, ida waited a few days still. but thats neither here nor there right? thats that old pity shit and I don't need pity.. never have.

I'm not getting into reasons about why i feel seperating is good OR bad... I'm just saying it was more his idea this time than it was mine. He said to tell everyone this story we figured up, including mikayla he packed some things (after i washed abd fikded then fir him..ima a fuckin sucker..) and then he left. took the car and was off to work the house.

We talk for like 2 minutes thru a window of a car when he dropped our car off to me at my gmas, he said november 1st was when we were gonna talk to her. and thats the extent of conversation weve had about it.

So I've got this on my mind... then I've got the fact that I'm lieing to my daughter on my mind and like thats not enough... she tells me that we need top move out in the next week cause I'm not holding up my end of the bargain on living there. I had to wait til today to get litter to change my cats box so the basement kinda stunk... i'll hafta admit to that one, but she said my room was just a disaster. I had a bag of trash and an empty 12 pack soda thingy box to throw out......... everything else was fine... not like gleaming or nothing but it was fine.

I do the dishes at least 4 times a day there.... cook a meal meal every night that i have to clean the stuff to use,cook it all then clean all the stuff afterwards too... table floor, coffee pot even tho i dont drink that shit. i took out your trash (sometimes twice daily for the past months) but forgot my own...

Everyone else doesnt see what i see... some days are awesome and some days are just horrible.. Someone in my family will end up reading this to her im sure and she will dislike me even more then... i hope not but i cant stop that i guess, its a public blog of course... so yeah moral of the story is that gma kicked us out today... gave me a week but i went with the only option i have without having to leave town, and am staying at a friends thats close by. Miks bus even has a stop nearby the house. Theres not a lot of room and we have a lot of stuff,but I guess I'll figure that out with any advice I get....'

And I've mentioned it already but today (oct25) is the day my momma died... so its kind of a meh day anyway,,,,

I dont really wanna say anymore than I already have and may just save this one to draft as well... i dunno.. i just know i feel pretty used.. i feel like I'm very helpful in almost all situations someones in if I care about them and are able to be... but the secoind I cant be or tell someone no I have to do something else.. I turn into this horrible person who never does anything..and I dont understand why it hapens to me....im not a horrible person... least not by my standerds, and i have pretty good taste in ppl i think. lol.. point being is that one day a persons one way(the way that has always been normal) and then theres days where theres just a major forgetfulness of big big things and then an anger towards anyone who points it out (me usually) (though I'm never rude til she starts calling me names, then I ghet a little loud.. my kids around.. i don't want her remembering gma screaming cuss words and rasin her hand to me like she could slap me or somethin) (id duck fyi)

and the reason ill probabyu just save this to draft is because one of my family members wil read ot and go read it to this p ertson and that person who tells these pepople and god knows what the stories like by the time its ran its course... then after they read it to her, they will all tell them they got it from my website, and she will be even more mad at me then she already is...

I know the things that needed to be done around our room, i knew every one of them, and was like on the way home to start doing them.. cleanin shit in hand.... then she tells me this and i started packing my car calling frineds for like a week of staying with them to figure shit out... so thats where we are.. and im def saving this to drafts now cause all i need now is cps saying i dont have a place forn her to have a room...

But Nick and Terry offered us aplace to stay.. and I'ma bust my ass to find a job and start life enjoying time with people who love me and appreciate me and actually want me around.. eople like nick. under his mean shit.. which he uses i think just to feel like by hurting someones feelings or bringing up their faults sets em back in their steps long enough to not be able to say anything back.. it's an intimidation thing, but he abd i have a nunderstanding of each other that i dont think either of us could ever find in anyone else. Its a spark.. and everyone can see it.. even if we both try to not pay it any attention, its always there anyway... hard to fdullyt explain...

but i havew clothes in the dryer to go check and i absolutly hate typing on this keyboard.. good night.. send me good vibes on my living with friends, searching for a job, husband just left me state,,,, lol I'm one of them songs thats classified as newer and older country mixed together shit... lol yep, checkin clothes then sleepy time.. gotta get the kid to school. xoxo into the draft foldeer you go...

Yeah, she did it again. Lets all flip out now.

You have no idea how many times I hear, "please don't tell anyone else about this Robyn, or put it on that thing you do on the computer" (which would be this... or facebook) Now when I hear this phrase being said to me, it's usually after something has happened that I can't actually list an example of because I promised I would "never put that on that thing you do on the computer" and I don't break promises to this person unless it's an emergency. BUT, i WILL say this much..... when I hear that phrase spoken to me, something that is a very clear clear symptom or warning sign that ~something~ is wrong -upstairs-, if you catch my drift.

Now whatever it is thats wrong -upstairs- isn't an everyday thing, but it can happen to such a degree that causes somewhat dangerous situations to occur. Now when these situations occur, WHO is the one who immediatly drops anything, including work, (I cant tell you how many times I left my job at Blimpies in a hurry just to do something that needed immediate assistance or were going to harm someone or become HUGE problems)... point is... I am the one who gets called to fix the problem... ME, and NOONE else but ME. Couple others claim they do it too, but those couple others have been around maybe..... 4 times total in like 4 months.... Hell theres a project from LAST fall that has yet to be finished... Sean, me and a few friends are the ones who did about 85% of it to begin with, then something sort of like today happened and we were told basically that we were worthless failures and needed to get out... so we stopped that project and guess what???? Its in the EXACT shape we left it in..... because the original people were supposed to finish it once we were out of the way have NEVER come back to do a single thing on it since.... had we not been stopped it would have been finished over a year ago like it should have been.... but no..... hell i got threatened of being hit in the face even over that particular situation. HIT in the face... (over wall paint btw, archive my previous posts if you'd like the story, it's there somewhere)

There was another time when a cousin of mine TRASHED my her basement... had 14 dogs at one time just running loose... he didnt even live there, I was the one who fed and watered and let them out every day, but these dogs ended up putting this basement into a state that the health department would have condemned and thats nowhere near an exageration either... One again, go thru the archives and you can find the pictures... it was like off an episode of billy the exterminator vs hoarders all in one... my ENTIRE family refused to go to her house any longer... REFUSED.... they all REFUSED to help clean it also, even the one who caused it refused to help clean it... but who finally got tired of watching her cry over the things they'd say about her??? oh yeah, that was ME...... who is it always? ME..

I'm not looking for an award... don't think that... I'm just looking for a little gratification and appreciation... I wake up almost daily with a *to do* list in order to copntinue living where I was living... I contribute 480 a month in food to the house as well... I always complete my *chores*, then I do the dishes and sweep all the floors.... then once a week I do everyone in the houses laundry.... I even fold it for them after I get it out of the dryer.... I cook dinner every single night, then while everyone rushes off to watch their tv shows, I also CLEAN all the dishes and cookware from dinner, and put away any leftovers... then I clean the entire kitchen, and make my uncle some desert.... EVERY NIGHT. I read a sign on someones wall once that said "the cook never has to clean" I'd like to see a day that happened for me. I then clean the coffee pot, and put coffee in it and get it ready to just turn on the next day.... and I don't even drink coffee. Oh, almost forgot, Once a month, I clean my uncles room and bathroom for him too.

Now, I'm a 32 year old adult... I do have a life, and occasionally I like to go out with friends and do something outside my house.... Whenever I do one of these things, I'm required to leave a number I can be reached at... make it known where I'm going and when I'll be back. And again, this is no joking or exageration... and if I'm late, the entire house is pissed off at me for being unreliable or a flat out liar.

Now, every time I've ever lived at where I'm living now, I've had cats.... When Amanda lived there she had 2 cats... in the same room I'm living in now... when mom lived there, she had 3 cats... and a dog.. in the same room I'm living in now, and also when she moved to the basement. Everytime I've lived there, in the room I'm in now, in the basement, and in the room upstairs that is now harolds room... I've had 2 cats..... my gma refuses to believe me anytime I tell her this... she swears on everything holy that she's never allowed cats in her house..... um, yeah ok..... then of course, my cousin had 14 dogs. and theres also been birds, gerbils, ducks, and a pot bellied pig that lived in that house either thru me, manda or my mom.... but again.... "theres never been anything but a dog.. and only 2 of them at a time" yeah, it takes 2 of them to make puppies.. lol and theres been 4 litters of puppies born in the basement...... whatever though, thats not the point... lol

Point is, I bend over backwards to do everything, everything, everything in the house I'm in.... no one but me has had to run a sweeper, wash a dish or polish anything since I've been there.. I even polished the banister and all the fucking steps going upstairs.... not to mention, sean and I were the ones who stained the porch, and repaired a lot of the fence (that sean and I built for her back in 99)(which she also swears up and down that him and I had nothing to do with it) we were th eonly 2 who were even there..... built the entire thing.... I fucking know this for fact cuz I stepped on a rusty ass nail building the mother fucker and had to get a tetnus booster..... can't forget shit like that....

again though, not the point.... my point is this.... 3 days ago, Sean and I split up, and he was supposed to bring me my car and a little money so I could go get the cats some litter to change their box, which admitly did really smell bad.. but it was only on day 3 of not being changed.. it's not like it sat for 2 weeks just reeking.. and it's in the fucking basement that NO one goes in but me anyway.... ugh... anyway... I couldn't get the litter til today... had just got back to the house, litter in hand and was informed before I even made it inside that Mikayla and I had a week to move out. She told me I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain... my cats box stunk and my room was a mess.... Oh No.... My uncle can piss on the carpet when he misses the toilet at least twice a day... but my cats box was maybe 2 days overdue...... it may rain frogs people.... be careful if you go out... wtf???

My husband just left me... I'm searching for a job, and tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of when my mom died. My daughter is coping with her daddy not seeing her til after the first of the month because we have lied to her and told her that he's out of town working.... and then I'm told I need to move the fuck out basically cause I'm being accused of being lazy...

Ok. I'll move. Already left actually. I had an option luckily although it's not the way I was wanting to do things..... but still...... wonder who she will find to climb up on a ladder each morning to roll up the blind on her backdoor.. See it doesn't pull roll anymore like it should and she can't stand if theres no light coming in.. so without me to do it, SHE will be climbing that ladder each and every day. Grandma sometimes stumbles walking on flat ground, you really think she needs to climb a ladder every day? Or wait, better yet, do you really think anyone will travel all the way to her house to do this for her every morning???? Um, HA I say....... then everyone will all sit around just absolutly baffled... can't understand how it happened when she falls doing this simple task..... and all the rides she needs.. and NO ONE will take her? Guess she'll be driving them herself now.... stay off the sidewalk people... she nailed someones house trying to go thru an alley and bent the fuck out of her fender not but amonth ago.... my cousin was able to fix it (because NO ONE else would come look at it for her) but he also traced it to the exact spot she hit.. and it was a house.... she claims it was a curb.....

it's just things like that.... I do more than anyone realizes.... she won't even udnersand half the mail she gets anymore without someone there to comprehend it and explain it to her....

But Robyn had a full can of trash in her room and a stinky cat litter box..... I can totally see how that voids out everything else I do and warrants an eviction.

Everyone has questioned me for years why I don't think of family any higher than I do.... maybe if people would actually open their eyes and realize whats actually going on, they'd understand....

Until then, I have my daughter, I have my memories, and I can stand proudly and claim that I, of anyone I know, am one hell of a person.... and if others don't see it too, they can kiss my ass.

xoxo ungrateful assholes.