I Was Put Here To Offend.

Feel free to Bleep Off!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Sorry took me so long.

Lately I've felt like I've been stuck in a downward spiral. And I have no one to blame for it but myself.. although, I've never been one to blame others for my problems anyway.

I never did blog about this when it happened, but remember years ago when Sean and I did all those benefit shows to raise money for my childhood friend Creed who had cystic fibrosis and needed a double lung tansplant? Well he got the transplant and I blogged about that... but on Nov 27th of 2010, My very dear friend Creed passed away. His body finally got the best of him and decided it needed a much deserved break. =( Was a very sad time for me.. I loved Creed very much. Met him when I was 15, been close close friends ever since. He was an amazing, unique, friendly, one of a kind type of person. Anyone who ever met him loved him and anyone who got to know him has a large hole missing now that he's gone I'm sure. I know I do. Got to see a lot of old friends at his funeral, was nice in a way. We all comforted each other over something we all knew would happen one day. But he's able to breath easy and pain free now and I couldnt ask for anything better than that for him. He was one of the toughest bravest men I've ever known and I was damn lucky to have the relationship I got to have with him. I feel grateful that I now feel sad because it just means that I was one of the lucky ones who got a chance to really know him. R.I.P. my friend.

Ended up losing our apartment... we decided to let it go, but regardless, we now don't have it anymore. And we don't have the money just yet to get a new one either, for the time being (very temporaryily) we are staying at Seans moms house. I'm very grateful that Linda let us all inhabit one of her rooms again for a little while, but it's a very cramped, stressful situation that I hope we don't have to be in for much longer. So that has gotten me a little stressed out.

Reason this scenario is my fault::::: I'm being sued for medical bills and my paychecks get garnished when I'm working. They percentage they take from me allows me to bring home 119 a week. Now in a months time, thats just barely 500. Which it's 500 extra, if nothing else my income could pay rent and I know that would be helpful and I'm going to find a part time job really soon so I can at least contribute that much but it really gets me down that I'm not allowed to make enough to support anyone. That deliquent medical bills are that fucking important that they have to leave me with next to nothing for an income just to ensure that hospital gets paid. sounds kinda backwards to me, but whatever.. i made my bed right? *sigh*

Problem 2... my health.... I've been sicker than hell for the past 3 weeks... Felt like I got hit by a bus. My leg and arm muscles hurt so bad I couldnt stand it and my back and stomach would cramp to the point of not being able to stand upright. I couldnt eat without getting sick and I ended up not being able to shit for 5 days straight... was in so much pain... I ended up in the er twice over it... first time they said it was just constipation and sent me home with a laxative that made me feel like I was having a seziure... (tmi? lol) But after it got me "working" again, the pain hadnt gone away yet, and I still couldnt pee like I should... Like I would feel like I had to but then couldnt... anyway, long story short, they ended up telling me I had a bacterial infection in my lower intestinal tract that had been there awhile apparantly and they couldnt remove it at this point, it's too wide spread. So they gave me meds to take... that seem to be helping, the pains not so bad anymore, goes away more with each day but I'm still not back to normal. but all this has REALLY gotten me down.... this can be a reacurring thing and that scares the shit out of me. I have enough reacurring problems with my kidneys, I don't need to worry about anything else going wrong with me on a repeated basis... kinda makes me feel pretty pitiful and broken... and hopeless.... has really taken a toll on my emotional state.

This is my fault because of the obvious::::::: its happening to me::::::: lol and I've spent so many nights curled ina ball crying cause it hurt so bad and whined all day every day for weeks now that I'm even getting on my own fucking nerves about it.. and I know I've gotten on Seans cause he kinda started being an asshole about it for aminute... I got him back in check tho. Got one other person I whine to alot and he's been listening pretty well but lately he's been almost rude about it to me, and that hurts my feelings a whole whole lot... Specially cause he's volunteered to go to the hospital with me and whatnot cause he knows I get down cuz I can't call my mom and that Sean has needed a break from my whining..... then he's gonna be almost hateful to me about it..... really got to me for a minute... but I worked my head thru it... and i got sean to stop being mean.... but I also decided to just suffer in silence for the most part... is what I do most other times in my life, for this reason...... men are so... just.... grrrrrrrrr sometimes... insensitve dicks... lol

Been thinkin about my mom a whole whole lot lately... probably cuz I've been sick and needed someone to talk to, but I just cant get her off my mind. I need her so bad... hate that she's gone. I call her best friend Cathy a lot now... just cuz I know she will let me talk.

This is my fault cause its been 4 years now.... I oughta be getting used to not having her around but I just dont think I can get used to something like that... dont think i want to. I also try not to whine about this too much.... I really do feel like a whiner... and I get on my kid for whining all the time, maybe I just found the source huh? lol

Been doing not so well with Sean too.... we dont fight or anything I just have a lot of issues I cant seem to work out between us... some of the ways he has hurt me in the past are just beyond my ability to forgive for obviously.... but he knows all this... so not going to talk a whole lot about this cause the direction it goes depends.....

BUT, I do have a positive thing to announce.... =) =)

I am now officially enrolled in University of Phoenix's Small Business ownership and Entrepenuering Bachelors Program. =) I got my grants approved and the extra I needed in loans and I start feb 17th. I'm very excited. I know this was something my mom wanted to see happen. I was in college when she died and I dropped out cuz I couldnt focus my mind at that time, and I know she owuld have wanted me to go back and finish up the degree I wanted... so just for you momma, I start in 29 days. =) AND, they do this incentive program where you can write a 3000 word essay on a life experience they have like 50 topics to choose from, I chose Death of a parent, if you do well you can earn up to 3 credit hours for this one essay.... So in my mommas honor since I'm doing this for her, It seemed only appropriate that I do my very first assignment on the lesson I've learned in life by losing her. I think she'd like that. I'm going to work really hard on it so that I can get the max amount of credit. And my credits from when I went to jefferson Community College when I was 19, 11 of those hours transferred so I get to start with a couple under my belt already. I'm very excited. Seems like just what I needed.

And as long as I get to keep enough of my taxes, I'm going to take as much as I can and file bankruptcy so I can wipe out my financial problems and start over. New focus on life... =) I'm hoping the positive changes will start a pattern for me.

We shall see. I know I have to work some shit out in my head in order to be a happy succesful person in life.... I know I'm the only one who can control decide and make happen the things I need in my life to happen.... I have a plan and a goal in mind tho.. and nothing is going to keep me from it. Nothing. I've wanted this for too long, I will make it happen.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Like 3 months now.. lol

Been awhile... just thought i'd let ya'll know I was still alive and well.. lol I'll post more tomorrow but right now it's bedtime. =) xoxo

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