I wrote this big long entry earlier and had it posted for a bit so you might have seen it, but I decided to just save it to the good old draft folder instead. Why? Well, cause some things just aren't worth it...... So I'ma sum it all up instead....pay attention now.... k.

Past like 5 weeks Seans been acting all withdrawn and wierdly quiet around home. He'd say it was work anytime I asked what had him so... meh.... and part of me can believe that... cuz he really does slave for them unappreciative bastards he works for and they barely give him shit... but hes worked for them for years and this year hasnt even been as bad as prior ones, so I know thats not entirely whats wrong with him.....

This year though, he's gone out more nights than he hasn't pretty much... and then at home he'ss got barely any intrest in anything....so I'm like hmm? I don't argue with him about it though, if he wants to go ut and have fun go ahead.. I'm fine with that.. just whatever time you will be home let me know so I dont worry. Thats literally all i ask. Well, thursday night he comes home round 2... house closes at 12. and to be quite honest I dont even fully recall the conversation that much but according to him this was my idea and he agreed... but from what my mind remembers it was his idea... he said it, I never said anything like seperating. If i'd have been thinking about seperating, I would have waited til after tomorrow (well its today actually now).. but yeah, it's been 5 years since my momma died today. and support from everywhere would be ideal, so if it was my idea to seperate, ida waited a few days still. but thats neither here nor there right? thats that old pity shit and I don't need pity.. never have.

I'm not getting into reasons about why i feel seperating is good OR bad... I'm just saying it was more his idea this time than it was mine. He said to tell everyone this story we figured up, including mikayla he packed some things (after i washed abd fikded then fir him..ima a fuckin sucker..) and then he left. took the car and was off to work the house.

We talk for like 2 minutes thru a window of a car when he dropped our car off to me at my gmas, he said november 1st was when we were gonna talk to her. and thats the extent of conversation weve had about it.

So I've got this on my mind... then I've got the fact that I'm lieing to my daughter on my mind and like thats not enough... she tells me that we need top move out in the next week cause I'm not holding up my end of the bargain on living there. I had to wait til today to get litter to change my cats box so the basement kinda stunk... i'll hafta admit to that one, but she said my room was just a disaster. I had a bag of trash and an empty 12 pack soda thingy box to throw out......... everything else was fine... not like gleaming or nothing but it was fine.

I do the dishes at least 4 times a day there.... cook a meal meal every night that i have to clean the stuff to use,cook it all then clean all the stuff afterwards too... table floor, coffee pot even tho i dont drink that shit. i took out your trash (sometimes twice daily for the past months) but forgot my own...

Everyone else doesnt see what i see... some days are awesome and some days are just horrible.. Someone in my family will end up reading this to her im sure and she will dislike me even more then... i hope not but i cant stop that i guess, its a public blog of course... so yeah moral of the story is that gma kicked us out today... gave me a week but i went with the only option i have without having to leave town, and am staying at a friends thats close by. Miks bus even has a stop nearby the house. Theres not a lot of room and we have a lot of stuff,but I guess I'll figure that out with any advice I get....'

And I've mentioned it already but today (oct25) is the day my momma died... so its kind of a meh day anyway,,,,

I dont really wanna say anymore than I already have and may just save this one to draft as well... i dunno.. i just know i feel pretty used.. i feel like I'm very helpful in almost all situations someones in if I care about them and are able to be... but the secoind I cant be or tell someone no I have to do something else.. I turn into this horrible person who never does anything..and I dont understand why it hapens to me....im not a horrible person... least not by my standerds, and i have pretty good taste in ppl i think. lol.. point being is that one day a persons one way(the way that has always been normal) and then theres days where theres just a major forgetfulness of big big things and then an anger towards anyone who points it out (me usually) (though I'm never rude til she starts calling me names, then I ghet a little loud.. my kids around.. i don't want her remembering gma screaming cuss words and rasin her hand to me like she could slap me or somethin) (id duck fyi)

and the reason ill probabyu just save this to draft is because one of my family members wil read ot and go read it to this p ertson and that person who tells these pepople and god knows what the stories like by the time its ran its course... then after they read it to her, they will all tell them they got it from my website, and she will be even more mad at me then she already is...

I know the things that needed to be done around our room, i knew every one of them, and was like on the way home to start doing them.. cleanin shit in hand.... then she tells me this and i started packing my car calling frineds for like a week of staying with them to figure shit out... so thats where we are.. and im def saving this to drafts now cause all i need now is cps saying i dont have a place forn her to have a room...

But Nick and Terry offered us aplace to stay.. and I'ma bust my ass to find a job and start life enjoying time with people who love me and appreciate me and actually want me around.. eople like nick. under his mean shit.. which he uses i think just to feel like by hurting someones feelings or bringing up their faults sets em back in their steps long enough to not be able to say anything back.. it's an intimidation thing, but he abd i have a nunderstanding of each other that i dont think either of us could ever find in anyone else. Its a spark.. and everyone can see it.. even if we both try to not pay it any attention, its always there anyway... hard to fdullyt explain...

but i havew clothes in the dryer to go check and i absolutly hate typing on this keyboard.. good night.. send me good vibes on my living with friends, searching for a job, husband just left me state,,,, lol I'm one of them songs thats classified as newer and older country mixed together shit... lol yep, checkin clothes then sleepy time.. gotta get the kid to school. xoxo into the draft foldeer you go...