congrats to my manda

Been an interesting few days.... Manda had her baby... =) Kailyn Faith.. she's a cutie.. I haven't gotten out to visit her yet but I will. i'm so happy for them.. they got their perfect one boy one girl family.. =) it's kinda neat to watch the people you grew up with have kids and shit...

Then my friend Nick's mom died =( He's the responsible party for it too and doesn't have the means at all to do anything so if anyone knows any charities or financial assistance offered for funeral services please let me know.

Found out a guy I used to be friends with is pretty sick and in the hospital waiting to have surgery... they found blood clots and all kinds of shit, he's my age... dont talk to him anymore but i still hope the best for him.... (i didnt mention your name if you happen to read this)


There was an ending to this post but i saved it as draft and deleted it on this copy... it was about my evening last night and how i'm done dealing with lies and drunks.... and as i saved it as draft it occured to me how many posts i draft instead of publish just because i dont know for sure if i really want anyone to read it or not..... or if i dont want certain people to read them..... kinda sucks... cause if i write it at home chances are someone will eventually find it and read it... lol so no thought i have is ever totally safe...... sigh.....

Tribute =(

My best friends mom died tonight. He's always told me "when my momma goes, i'ma lose my god damned mind" this was always his response when i'd be upset thinking about my mom. He got a phone call tonight from an uncle saying they couldn't get ahold of his momma all day so they went to check on her and she was passed out int he floor, called ems, and they said she had passed away. =( My friend is still over at her house talking to family members and the coroner and so forth and I can't get much conversation or details (naturally) out of him yet.. but I'm sure he'll let me know everything once he gets a chance to relax.

I'm awfully worried though... he's depressed already, and without his momma to rely on I'm not sure how he's gonna be... I hope ok cause i'm so not ready to lose a friend..... I don't think I ever wanna lose anyone ever again for that matter...

I remember every detail about when mom died though, so just to know someone I love is feeling these things right now breaks my heart into a million little pieces.. I hate knowing anyone I know is suffering pain.. I hate hate hated it for Candace when her daddy died... I felt so helpless, like nothing I could do or say was going to help, and nothing I did or said did help so i was right in assuming it.... and I highly doubt I'll be able to do or say anything to help out Nick either.

I just hope he doesn't let this drag him down, or cause him to harm himself... that's my worst fear.... It's hard loving someone when you have to worry if they're even going to be there the next day or not... I mean i know theres always that chance that somethings going to happen to any one of us today or right now, or tonight, or in the morning...thats just life.. but thats not what I'm talking about.... I'm talking about going to sleep at night wondering if someone you know and care about is going to hurt themselves, take their own lives or do something thats going to get them sent away for years and yeears..... it's a heart hardening feeling.

I know how sad losing a parent is... a few of my friends know this same feeling... children younger than my daughter know this feeling sometimes... and almost everyone will know it at some point in life... but that doesnt make it any easier to handle.... it's a sickining kind of sad... it's a hopeless kind of sad... it's a never again or what if kinda sad.... and it never truley goes away.... but it becomes tolerable... and those that love you that remain are all there to help you through it.

I love you Nick... Sean loves you, Mikayla loves you, Bernie Loves you, Belynda loves you, Brian and Mary love you, Mike and Jamie love you, Chris and Kelli love you, Josh loves you, Damian and Aaliyah love you, Brandi even loves you in her own way.... Loads of people love you... they really do... and if you really needed it, they'd anyone be there to talk or listen or help if possible, specially now...... and even if they aren't..... I ALWAYS am. =)

I'm sorry for your pain my friend..... I'll help anyway I can.

Loved your momma... she helped me in a lot of ways... she fed me, gave me a place to stay, something warm to wear, money to wash my clothes and get some smokes, gave me a buzz, helped me find a job, housed some of my stuff, talked to me about everything i needed to talk about, let me cry on her shoulder the second i met her, let me wake her up at 4am the first time i met her........... she did the world for me... before she even knew who i was... your mom was a hell of a woman, wonderful example of a person, pretty decent momma, kick ass grandma, excellent pet parent, a great friend, and a huge part of the reason i made it thru last summer... Gonna miss you Jackie... Loved you like my own momma, and definitly as my friend.. Look Up Phyllis Bogard when ya get there, tell her I sent ya and you'll get the royal treatment. ;)

Love you.

make up and camera fun hehe