I wrote this big long entry earlier and had it posted for a bit so you might have seen it, but I decided to just save it to the good old draft folder instead. Why? Well, cause some things just aren't worth it...... So I'ma sum it all up instead....pay attention now.... k.

Past like 5 weeks Seans been acting all withdrawn and wierdly quiet around home. He'd say it was work anytime I asked what had him so... meh.... and part of me can believe that... cuz he really does slave for them unappreciative bastards he works for and they barely give him shit... but hes worked for them for years and this year hasnt even been as bad as prior ones, so I know thats not entirely whats wrong with him.....

This year though, he's gone out more nights than he hasn't pretty much... and then at home he'ss got barely any intrest in anything....so I'm like hmm? I don't argue with him about it though, if he wants to go ut and have fun go ahead.. I'm fine with that.. just whatever time you will be home let me know so I dont worry. Thats literally all i ask. Well, thursday night he comes home round 2... house closes at 12. and to be quite honest I dont even fully recall the conversation that much but according to him this was my idea and he agreed... but from what my mind remembers it was his idea... he said it, I never said anything like seperating. If i'd have been thinking about seperating, I would have waited til after tomorrow (well its today actually now).. but yeah, it's been 5 years since my momma died today. and support from everywhere would be ideal, so if it was my idea to seperate, ida waited a few days still. but thats neither here nor there right? thats that old pity shit and I don't need pity.. never have.

I'm not getting into reasons about why i feel seperating is good OR bad... I'm just saying it was more his idea this time than it was mine. He said to tell everyone this story we figured up, including mikayla he packed some things (after i washed abd fikded then fir him..ima a fuckin sucker..) and then he left. took the car and was off to work the house.

We talk for like 2 minutes thru a window of a car when he dropped our car off to me at my gmas, he said november 1st was when we were gonna talk to her. and thats the extent of conversation weve had about it.

So I've got this on my mind... then I've got the fact that I'm lieing to my daughter on my mind and like thats not enough... she tells me that we need top move out in the next week cause I'm not holding up my end of the bargain on living there. I had to wait til today to get litter to change my cats box so the basement kinda stunk... i'll hafta admit to that one, but she said my room was just a disaster. I had a bag of trash and an empty 12 pack soda thingy box to throw out......... everything else was fine... not like gleaming or nothing but it was fine.

I do the dishes at least 4 times a day there.... cook a meal meal every night that i have to clean the stuff to use,cook it all then clean all the stuff afterwards too... table floor, coffee pot even tho i dont drink that shit. i took out your trash (sometimes twice daily for the past months) but forgot my own...

Everyone else doesnt see what i see... some days are awesome and some days are just horrible.. Someone in my family will end up reading this to her im sure and she will dislike me even more then... i hope not but i cant stop that i guess, its a public blog of course... so yeah moral of the story is that gma kicked us out today... gave me a week but i went with the only option i have without having to leave town, and am staying at a friends thats close by. Miks bus even has a stop nearby the house. Theres not a lot of room and we have a lot of stuff,but I guess I'll figure that out with any advice I get....'

And I've mentioned it already but today (oct25) is the day my momma died... so its kind of a meh day anyway,,,,

I dont really wanna say anymore than I already have and may just save this one to draft as well... i dunno.. i just know i feel pretty used.. i feel like I'm very helpful in almost all situations someones in if I care about them and are able to be... but the secoind I cant be or tell someone no I have to do something else.. I turn into this horrible person who never does anything..and I dont understand why it hapens to me....im not a horrible person... least not by my standerds, and i have pretty good taste in ppl i think. lol.. point being is that one day a persons one way(the way that has always been normal) and then theres days where theres just a major forgetfulness of big big things and then an anger towards anyone who points it out (me usually) (though I'm never rude til she starts calling me names, then I ghet a little loud.. my kids around.. i don't want her remembering gma screaming cuss words and rasin her hand to me like she could slap me or somethin) (id duck fyi)

and the reason ill probabyu just save this to draft is because one of my family members wil read ot and go read it to this p ertson and that person who tells these pepople and god knows what the stories like by the time its ran its course... then after they read it to her, they will all tell them they got it from my website, and she will be even more mad at me then she already is...

I know the things that needed to be done around our room, i knew every one of them, and was like on the way home to start doing them.. cleanin shit in hand.... then she tells me this and i started packing my car calling frineds for like a week of staying with them to figure shit out... so thats where we are.. and im def saving this to drafts now cause all i need now is cps saying i dont have a place forn her to have a room...

But Nick and Terry offered us aplace to stay.. and I'ma bust my ass to find a job and start life enjoying time with people who love me and appreciate me and actually want me around.. eople like nick. under his mean shit.. which he uses i think just to feel like by hurting someones feelings or bringing up their faults sets em back in their steps long enough to not be able to say anything back.. it's an intimidation thing, but he abd i have a nunderstanding of each other that i dont think either of us could ever find in anyone else. Its a spark.. and everyone can see it.. even if we both try to not pay it any attention, its always there anyway... hard to fdullyt explain...

but i havew clothes in the dryer to go check and i absolutly hate typing on this keyboard.. good night.. send me good vibes on my living with friends, searching for a job, husband just left me state,,,, lol I'm one of them songs thats classified as newer and older country mixed together shit... lol yep, checkin clothes then sleepy time.. gotta get the kid to school. xoxo into the draft foldeer you go...

Yeah, she did it again. Lets all flip out now.

You have no idea how many times I hear, "please don't tell anyone else about this Robyn, or put it on that thing you do on the computer" (which would be this... or facebook) Now when I hear this phrase being said to me, it's usually after something has happened that I can't actually list an example of because I promised I would "never put that on that thing you do on the computer" and I don't break promises to this person unless it's an emergency. BUT, i WILL say this much..... when I hear that phrase spoken to me, something that is a very clear clear symptom or warning sign that ~something~ is wrong -upstairs-, if you catch my drift.

Now whatever it is thats wrong -upstairs- isn't an everyday thing, but it can happen to such a degree that causes somewhat dangerous situations to occur. Now when these situations occur, WHO is the one who immediatly drops anything, including work, (I cant tell you how many times I left my job at Blimpies in a hurry just to do something that needed immediate assistance or were going to harm someone or become HUGE problems)... point is... I am the one who gets called to fix the problem... ME, and NOONE else but ME. Couple others claim they do it too, but those couple others have been around maybe..... 4 times total in like 4 months.... Hell theres a project from LAST fall that has yet to be finished... Sean, me and a few friends are the ones who did about 85% of it to begin with, then something sort of like today happened and we were told basically that we were worthless failures and needed to get out... so we stopped that project and guess what???? Its in the EXACT shape we left it in..... because the original people were supposed to finish it once we were out of the way have NEVER come back to do a single thing on it since.... had we not been stopped it would have been finished over a year ago like it should have been.... but no..... hell i got threatened of being hit in the face even over that particular situation. HIT in the face... (over wall paint btw, archive my previous posts if you'd like the story, it's there somewhere)

There was another time when a cousin of mine TRASHED my her basement... had 14 dogs at one time just running loose... he didnt even live there, I was the one who fed and watered and let them out every day, but these dogs ended up putting this basement into a state that the health department would have condemned and thats nowhere near an exageration either... One again, go thru the archives and you can find the pictures... it was like off an episode of billy the exterminator vs hoarders all in one... my ENTIRE family refused to go to her house any longer... REFUSED.... they all REFUSED to help clean it also, even the one who caused it refused to help clean it... but who finally got tired of watching her cry over the things they'd say about her??? oh yeah, that was ME...... who is it always? ME..

I'm not looking for an award... don't think that... I'm just looking for a little gratification and appreciation... I wake up almost daily with a *to do* list in order to copntinue living where I was living... I contribute 480 a month in food to the house as well... I always complete my *chores*, then I do the dishes and sweep all the floors.... then once a week I do everyone in the houses laundry.... I even fold it for them after I get it out of the dryer.... I cook dinner every single night, then while everyone rushes off to watch their tv shows, I also CLEAN all the dishes and cookware from dinner, and put away any leftovers... then I clean the entire kitchen, and make my uncle some desert.... EVERY NIGHT. I read a sign on someones wall once that said "the cook never has to clean" I'd like to see a day that happened for me. I then clean the coffee pot, and put coffee in it and get it ready to just turn on the next day.... and I don't even drink coffee. Oh, almost forgot, Once a month, I clean my uncles room and bathroom for him too.

Now, I'm a 32 year old adult... I do have a life, and occasionally I like to go out with friends and do something outside my house.... Whenever I do one of these things, I'm required to leave a number I can be reached at... make it known where I'm going and when I'll be back. And again, this is no joking or exageration... and if I'm late, the entire house is pissed off at me for being unreliable or a flat out liar.

Now, every time I've ever lived at where I'm living now, I've had cats.... When Amanda lived there she had 2 cats... in the same room I'm living in now... when mom lived there, she had 3 cats... and a dog.. in the same room I'm living in now, and also when she moved to the basement. Everytime I've lived there, in the room I'm in now, in the basement, and in the room upstairs that is now harolds room... I've had 2 cats..... my gma refuses to believe me anytime I tell her this... she swears on everything holy that she's never allowed cats in her house..... um, yeah ok..... then of course, my cousin had 14 dogs. and theres also been birds, gerbils, ducks, and a pot bellied pig that lived in that house either thru me, manda or my mom.... but again.... "theres never been anything but a dog.. and only 2 of them at a time" yeah, it takes 2 of them to make puppies.. lol and theres been 4 litters of puppies born in the basement...... whatever though, thats not the point... lol

Point is, I bend over backwards to do everything, everything, everything in the house I'm in.... no one but me has had to run a sweeper, wash a dish or polish anything since I've been there.. I even polished the banister and all the fucking steps going upstairs.... not to mention, sean and I were the ones who stained the porch, and repaired a lot of the fence (that sean and I built for her back in 99)(which she also swears up and down that him and I had nothing to do with it) we were th eonly 2 who were even there..... built the entire thing.... I fucking know this for fact cuz I stepped on a rusty ass nail building the mother fucker and had to get a tetnus booster..... can't forget shit like that....

again though, not the point.... my point is this.... 3 days ago, Sean and I split up, and he was supposed to bring me my car and a little money so I could go get the cats some litter to change their box, which admitly did really smell bad.. but it was only on day 3 of not being changed.. it's not like it sat for 2 weeks just reeking.. and it's in the fucking basement that NO one goes in but me anyway.... ugh... anyway... I couldn't get the litter til today... had just got back to the house, litter in hand and was informed before I even made it inside that Mikayla and I had a week to move out. She told me I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain... my cats box stunk and my room was a mess.... Oh No.... My uncle can piss on the carpet when he misses the toilet at least twice a day... but my cats box was maybe 2 days overdue...... it may rain frogs people.... be careful if you go out... wtf???

My husband just left me... I'm searching for a job, and tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of when my mom died. My daughter is coping with her daddy not seeing her til after the first of the month because we have lied to her and told her that he's out of town working.... and then I'm told I need to move the fuck out basically cause I'm being accused of being lazy...

Ok. I'll move. Already left actually. I had an option luckily although it's not the way I was wanting to do things..... but still...... wonder who she will find to climb up on a ladder each morning to roll up the blind on her backdoor.. See it doesn't pull roll anymore like it should and she can't stand if theres no light coming in.. so without me to do it, SHE will be climbing that ladder each and every day. Grandma sometimes stumbles walking on flat ground, you really think she needs to climb a ladder every day? Or wait, better yet, do you really think anyone will travel all the way to her house to do this for her every morning???? Um, HA I say....... then everyone will all sit around just absolutly baffled... can't understand how it happened when she falls doing this simple task..... and all the rides she needs.. and NO ONE will take her? Guess she'll be driving them herself now.... stay off the sidewalk people... she nailed someones house trying to go thru an alley and bent the fuck out of her fender not but amonth ago.... my cousin was able to fix it (because NO ONE else would come look at it for her) but he also traced it to the exact spot she hit.. and it was a house.... she claims it was a curb.....

it's just things like that.... I do more than anyone realizes.... she won't even udnersand half the mail she gets anymore without someone there to comprehend it and explain it to her....

But Robyn had a full can of trash in her room and a stinky cat litter box..... I can totally see how that voids out everything else I do and warrants an eviction.

Everyone has questioned me for years why I don't think of family any higher than I do.... maybe if people would actually open their eyes and realize whats actually going on, they'd understand....

Until then, I have my daughter, I have my memories, and I can stand proudly and claim that I, of anyone I know, am one hell of a person.... and if others don't see it too, they can kiss my ass.

xoxo ungrateful assholes.

jus checkin in

Hanging out at a friends house tonight. Been over here most the day hanging out too... has been nice to have some free time. I cleaned the hell out of our room at gmas today too.. and in the past week have probably done about 15 loads of laundry.. lol and still aren't done with our laundry yet.. I've been washing and sorting thru all our winter shit, gonna be needing it soon I think. Today was the only warm day this week, and it's rained all week long too.

Needed the rain though.. I bet it's rained as much in the past 4 days as it has all summer long. Has been HOT and DRY. I like hot normally but it's even been a bit much for me, and that says alot.. lol

Don't have much to report really, just wanted to check in and post a lil something. Hope all is well with everyone reading.

Luvs.

Moving....... aaaaaaaaaaaaagain. lol

Moving this weekend. =) It's not the most convenient place we've ever lived in but it will work and be a better environment and situation than living at my grandmas has been this time around. I think that grandma NEEDS someone (besides my uncle who runs her down more than anything else does) living there with her anymore, but unless she would agree to let us rent the basement again then we can't live there. For one, I don't like sharing a room with Mikayla... that's not something I want her to get used to.. She's always had her own room, and never has gotten into a habit of sleeping with or near us and I don't want her to get used to it, or worse, get to where she expects or needs it. I've always felt really proud that I've made my kid independant enough that she has always slept by herself, in her own bed, in her own room, and I'm afraid that if we continue to share one big room with her, that she's going to start only feeling secure when she's near me at night. I couldn't handle that.. I barely like sharing my sleeping area with my husband, I'll be damned if I share it with my kid. I'm such a terrible sleeper that I just do better if I sleep by myself.. is why I end up on a couch or something bout half way thru the night... lol If it wouldn't offend Sean like it seems to, I'd actually prefer to be able to sleep alone....

But if gma would agree to let us into the basement again, I'd be ok living there. at least down in the basement it feels like theres a small sense of "our own space"..

Where we're moving to is also a basement. It's a much smaller area than Grandmas is though, and theres no access to the house from the inside of the basement.. you have to go outside and up the back porch stairs to get into the house.... where the one and only bathroom is located. i'm not sure how middle of the night potty needs are going to go.. thats the only part I'm kinda worried about. Mikayla isn't going to want to walk outside in the middle of the night, come into a dark house and thru someone elses bedroom to get to the bathroom. We considered getting one of those camp toilets for nighttime bathroomness and just emptying it daily... but I'm not sure how that will go either... lol But just like every other issue in life, It will get figured out somehow... =)

kidney woes

So I went to the doctor last week about my kidneys. I had my first kidney stone when I was 15 years old... and have had about 40 of them since then....For the first time in the 17 years Ive fought with these things, a doctor actually gave me some options and suggestions. Gave me a little hope finally. At the time of my appt, I had 3 stones that were traveling thru the tubes in my kidneys, and one thats just chillen inside my kidney waiting to break loose and pass. As of today, I've passed 2 of the 3 that were moving, and this 3rd one is really giving me hell... Hurts Hurts Hurts.... I hate it.

She started me on a restricted diet though thats supposed to make my body stop producing these things so often though. I'm only allowed meat and animal protiens three times a week now, can never again in my life eat a grapefruit and have to severeley limit my salt intake. I also have to limit how often I eat oranges, berrys with seeds on them, peanuts, rhubarb, dark green leafy vegetables, and next to no red meat at all... and restrict myself to 2 glasses of soda and 2 glasses of tea a day, and the rest of the day I can only drink water... and also, contrary to popular belief, no cranberries. Yep, cranberries are BAD..... most people swear by their juice when they have kidney infections, but in reality, cranberry causes your body to over produce uric acid which is bad bad bad......

SO, I've been following these orders the best I can. Is hard to get used to not eating whatever the hell I want to eat like I've done my whole life... but I'm trying to follow it.. and I so hope it makes a difference. I'm getting to the point where dealing with the pain from these things on an almost constant basis has started to affect my mood and just overall life in general.... I get so down and hopeless feeling when I'm in pain all the time.. so somethings gotta give or I'ma lose it.

So think about me when you're enjoying your steak tonight.... lol

I didn't disappear

Been awhile.. this will be a quick one too, but just wanted to post a lil somethin to let everyone know I'm still here. =)

We are doing pretty good, same shit different day really... lol Tryin to save money to get us a place again.. stayin at grandmas again for now.. it won't be too much longer tho. I really dislike that feeling like I'm intruding on my gma all the time. That and she gets in her moods sometimes and starts treating me like I don't do anything for her... when in reality I bend over backwards for her and my uncle.. I do more for them then I do for my daughter, husband or self even. I just hate that unappreciated feeling. =(

Getting ready to go play Black Ops tho... so I'll write again later. =) Loves everyone, and yes, I'm still here.

Sorry took me so long.

Lately I've felt like I've been stuck in a downward spiral. And I have no one to blame for it but myself.. although, I've never been one to blame others for my problems anyway.

I never did blog about this when it happened, but remember years ago when Sean and I did all those benefit shows to raise money for my childhood friend Creed who had cystic fibrosis and needed a double lung tansplant? Well he got the transplant and I blogged about that... but on Nov 27th of 2010, My very dear friend Creed passed away. His body finally got the best of him and decided it needed a much deserved break. =( Was a very sad time for me.. I loved Creed very much. Met him when I was 15, been close close friends ever since. He was an amazing, unique, friendly, one of a kind type of person. Anyone who ever met him loved him and anyone who got to know him has a large hole missing now that he's gone I'm sure. I know I do. Got to see a lot of old friends at his funeral, was nice in a way. We all comforted each other over something we all knew would happen one day. But he's able to breath easy and pain free now and I couldnt ask for anything better than that for him. He was one of the toughest bravest men I've ever known and I was damn lucky to have the relationship I got to have with him. I feel grateful that I now feel sad because it just means that I was one of the lucky ones who got a chance to really know him. R.I.P. my friend.

Ended up losing our apartment... we decided to let it go, but regardless, we now don't have it anymore. And we don't have the money just yet to get a new one either, for the time being (very temporaryily) we are staying at Seans moms house. I'm very grateful that Linda let us all inhabit one of her rooms again for a little while, but it's a very cramped, stressful situation that I hope we don't have to be in for much longer. So that has gotten me a little stressed out.

Reason this scenario is my fault::::: I'm being sued for medical bills and my paychecks get garnished when I'm working. They percentage they take from me allows me to bring home 119 a week. Now in a months time, thats just barely 500. Which it's 500 extra, if nothing else my income could pay rent and I know that would be helpful and I'm going to find a part time job really soon so I can at least contribute that much but it really gets me down that I'm not allowed to make enough to support anyone. That deliquent medical bills are that fucking important that they have to leave me with next to nothing for an income just to ensure that hospital gets paid. sounds kinda backwards to me, but whatever.. i made my bed right? *sigh*

Problem 2... my health.... I've been sicker than hell for the past 3 weeks... Felt like I got hit by a bus. My leg and arm muscles hurt so bad I couldnt stand it and my back and stomach would cramp to the point of not being able to stand upright. I couldnt eat without getting sick and I ended up not being able to shit for 5 days straight... was in so much pain... I ended up in the er twice over it... first time they said it was just constipation and sent me home with a laxative that made me feel like I was having a seziure... (tmi? lol) But after it got me "working" again, the pain hadnt gone away yet, and I still couldnt pee like I should... Like I would feel like I had to but then couldnt... anyway, long story short, they ended up telling me I had a bacterial infection in my lower intestinal tract that had been there awhile apparantly and they couldnt remove it at this point, it's too wide spread. So they gave me meds to take... that seem to be helping, the pains not so bad anymore, goes away more with each day but I'm still not back to normal. but all this has REALLY gotten me down.... this can be a reacurring thing and that scares the shit out of me. I have enough reacurring problems with my kidneys, I don't need to worry about anything else going wrong with me on a repeated basis... kinda makes me feel pretty pitiful and broken... and hopeless.... has really taken a toll on my emotional state.

This is my fault because of the obvious::::::: its happening to me::::::: lol and I've spent so many nights curled ina ball crying cause it hurt so bad and whined all day every day for weeks now that I'm even getting on my own fucking nerves about it.. and I know I've gotten on Seans cause he kinda started being an asshole about it for aminute... I got him back in check tho. Got one other person I whine to alot and he's been listening pretty well but lately he's been almost rude about it to me, and that hurts my feelings a whole whole lot... Specially cause he's volunteered to go to the hospital with me and whatnot cause he knows I get down cuz I can't call my mom and that Sean has needed a break from my whining..... then he's gonna be almost hateful to me about it..... really got to me for a minute... but I worked my head thru it... and i got sean to stop being mean.... but I also decided to just suffer in silence for the most part... is what I do most other times in my life, for this reason...... men are so... just.... grrrrrrrrr sometimes... insensitve dicks... lol

Been thinkin about my mom a whole whole lot lately... probably cuz I've been sick and needed someone to talk to, but I just cant get her off my mind. I need her so bad... hate that she's gone. I call her best friend Cathy a lot now... just cuz I know she will let me talk.

This is my fault cause its been 4 years now.... I oughta be getting used to not having her around but I just dont think I can get used to something like that... dont think i want to. I also try not to whine about this too much.... I really do feel like a whiner... and I get on my kid for whining all the time, maybe I just found the source huh? lol

Been doing not so well with Sean too.... we dont fight or anything I just have a lot of issues I cant seem to work out between us... some of the ways he has hurt me in the past are just beyond my ability to forgive for obviously.... but he knows all this... so not going to talk a whole lot about this cause the direction it goes depends.....

BUT, I do have a positive thing to announce.... =) =)

I am now officially enrolled in University of Phoenix's Small Business ownership and Entrepenuering Bachelors Program. =) I got my grants approved and the extra I needed in loans and I start feb 17th. I'm very excited. I know this was something my mom wanted to see happen. I was in college when she died and I dropped out cuz I couldnt focus my mind at that time, and I know she owuld have wanted me to go back and finish up the degree I wanted... so just for you momma, I start in 29 days. =) AND, they do this incentive program where you can write a 3000 word essay on a life experience they have like 50 topics to choose from, I chose Death of a parent, if you do well you can earn up to 3 credit hours for this one essay.... So in my mommas honor since I'm doing this for her, It seemed only appropriate that I do my very first assignment on the lesson I've learned in life by losing her. I think she'd like that. I'm going to work really hard on it so that I can get the max amount of credit. And my credits from when I went to jefferson Community College when I was 19, 11 of those hours transferred so I get to start with a couple under my belt already. I'm very excited. Seems like just what I needed.


And as long as I get to keep enough of my taxes, I'm going to take as much as I can and file bankruptcy so I can wipe out my financial problems and start over. New focus on life... =) I'm hoping the positive changes will start a pattern for me.

We shall see. I know I have to work some shit out in my head in order to be a happy succesful person in life.... I know I'm the only one who can control decide and make happen the things I need in my life to happen.... I have a plan and a goal in mind tho.. and nothing is going to keep me from it. Nothing. I've wanted this for too long, I will make it happen.

Like 3 months now.. lol

Been awhile... just thought i'd let ya'll know I was still alive and well.. lol I'll post more tomorrow but right now it's bedtime. =) xoxo