Should I?

I started to make my list of the things I'd like to do while I'm still here on Earth but I just can't think of very many things.. lol I mean, I want all the typical things like watching my daughter grow up and then watching my grandkids grow up.... I want to jump out of an airplane and do all kinds of things but I just can't seem to make a list. lol Sorry Brad. =)

Talked to mom yesterday... Sean and I and Mik went for like a 3 hour walk yesterday.. walked all over the neighborhood and over to Cave Hill Cemetary to look around and take some pics.. It's so pretty over there... we were almost home and mom called and said that Grandma wanted us to come down for dinner. So we went down there for dinner. Moms stomach is growing so much now. Most her clothes are too small and it really hurts her when she walks around. I can't tell you how much I hate this. Hate it Hate it Hate it. Grandma keeps telling me how unfair it is... and she's right in a way I guess. I may say it's not fair from time to time but in all honesty, I understand. I don't like it, but I understand. I'm trying really hard to not feel sorry for myself. Anytime mom calls me talking about it I always remind her to not feel sorry for herself too. It's just a very difficult situation for all of us.

I'm very scared. I'm scared that one day I'm going to wake up and have something thats inside my heart, and I need someone to call to talk about it, and my mom won't be here to be that person. I'm scared that Mikayla's going to feel grief and I'm not going to know how to comfort her. I'm scared that someone around here is going to say the wrong thing after she's gone, and I'm going to go off and not be able to stop. I'm scared of her pain. I don't want her to feel any, but she is.. already... and it's only going to get worse.

I trust in god.. I really do. I may not go to church or read the bible every day, I don't even know what to call myself in terms of my "religion", but I do know, love and trust in god. I know that saying too that he'll never bring you to something without being there to bring you through it. I know I'm a strong person and I know that one way or another I'll handle this.. I just hate that I have to.

But anyway... enough of that.....

I did my first job Saturday handing out samples. It was alright, I didn't mind it too much. Would have been better though if I could have just done that job and went home for the day, but I had to work that one from 11-5 then go straight to my other job until 10.. lol so not only was I BEAT but my entire Saturday was used to work.. lol oh well... going to South Carolina soon so we needed the extra dough. Hopefully, they'll call me some now so I can do that on the weekends too. =)

I've also decided that I'm going to take a break from the "other hnt". I submitted my final pic today for it, and then I'm gonna give it a rest for a bit. I'm running out of ideas and half the time I don't have time to do it anymore lol.. I'll still post to my site though for it.. =) I have a ton of "tame" pics... lol

Sean and I were talking over the weekend too about possibly buying my Grandmas house. I've always loved tha thouse, and it always bothers me to think about it being gutted and turned into apartments when she's no longer here. I hate to think of that happening to it. I'm just not positive that this area is where I want to stay for good. Her house is in pretty decent shape now.. It has a new roof and most of it has been reinforced over the past few years.. only things it really needs is a very thorough cleaning (and a good bug bombing). Not that she's infested with roaches or anything, but being such an old house... it has quite a few waterbugs residing in it. And they gross me out.. lol

See... when something happens to Grandma, her house will be sold and the money from it will be split between my 2 uncles, me (if moms not here), and my cousins Denielle and Brian, so 4 ways. So all we'd have to pay to buy it would be 3/4 of what it's worth. We'd get a discount of a fourth of the price because that fourth would already be mine. I would want to run duct work through it and make it central heated and air and one day rewire the whole thing. We've even figured out how we would add on to the upstairs part of it to make the bedrooms bigger. And we know people in almost every aspect of remodeling so it wouldn't be all that expensive for us.

It's an idea... thats about all it is right now. We ned to think about it a bit and look into prices for repairs and whatnot before we'd decide for sure if that's what we wanted, but it's an idea. I've always wanted land though. and I'm not sooo sure I want to give up on that dream. But it's like Manda said last night too, I can save my dream for a farm for retirement I guess....

One other thing I wanted to mention... I'm considering turning on anonymous comments. I know theres a lot of people that read but don't comment... like Christina..... hehe so if I turn on the anon comments so that you don't have to have a blogger account.. would you "lurkers" comment that way? email me and tell me if you would or not.... =)

anyway.... gotta run,
Luvs. =)