State of confusion.

I think I had a break down today. Sean said something ot me last night that hurt my feelings. I don't think he meant it the way it came out but it still hurt me.... and instead of following my own rule of never going to bed mad, I just went to bed. Woke up this morning and felt like crap about it.

When I tried to talk about it with Sean, it turned into a great big ordeal in which I told him everything thats been bothering me lately.

I think my main problem is that I have no one I can talk to. Sean is the one I turn to for support, and when he's not there to support me, I just fall. And I've been falling. So in between the tears I told him this, and he told me he was sorry.

See, last year, when mom last found out about her cancer, I kinda flipped out then and decided that I needed to start trying to prepare myself for her possibly dieing. Well everyone spazzed out on me and told me I was being silly and that I shouldn't think that way. TO just deal with it when the time came and not try and prepare for it. Well, I think my mind needs preperation, I don't think I'd be stable enough to just push it aside and worry about it after she's gone. I tried talking to Manda about it and she didn't know what to say to make me feel better. I tried talking to Sean and he said I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.... so I had no one. I refuse to make my mom help me deal with this, she has to deal on her own ya know.

So now, we got the word.... mom may only have another year with us, maybe less. She's got cancer all through her body... chemo isn't going to help. All we can do is pray. I have faith in god. He's seen me through some times in my life, and I know it was him that got me through it, and I know he'll get me through this too, but I also need physical support. I need my husband to hold me and let me cry sometimes... I need my best friend to call and see if I've had a bad day and if I have to say something like... hey wanna go to lunch.. or let's go for a walk. But I don't get either of those. I'm not trying to start shit.. really I'm not. I'm just trying to find an outlet, so far this is what I've found... my blog. I'll spill my guts to complete strangers and hope for encouraging comments and emails.

I talked to Sean today and he now knows what I need from him. I told him to imagine if his mom was dieing and he knew about it. He didn't like that thought, just the mere thought of it made him sad... so now imagine if it weren't just words, imagine if it were true.

We were supposed to go hang out with friends today.... let our kid play with their kids... hang out ith adults... have fun... feel wanted. I sent Sean and Mik... I stayed home. Why? I just want to be alone today. I'm so sad. I'm so lost. I don't even know what to say really, I just know that I don't want to quit talking yet.

I spend all day every day watching Mikayla, and taking this person here and this person here and doing this and doing that and I NEVER get to do anything for me. I need today for me. I need to be alone with me. I might clean the house, I might just lay in the middle of the living room floor and love on my cats for a couple hours.. I don't know.. I jus know that I don't have to do anything if I don't want to. I don't have to chase Mik, I don't have to take anyone anywhere, I don't have to answer the phone, or worry about paying the bills (not that this is a worry or anything but just actually rembering to pay them is a worry lol) or anything.... I just get to be alone. And it's kinda nice.

I say all the time that I have the worlds best husband... and I do. I truley belive I do... and it's like he told me today.... I can't expect him to know what I'm thinking.. I have to tell him. But I've been scared to tell him lately because of what happened to me last time I had these feelings.. I don't want people to tell me I shouldn't worry... I don't want to hear that htings will be alright. I want tohear that I have every right to cry, and feel angry and be sad, and be scared.. I want to be held. I want to know people love me. I want to know people will be there for me, and not just when it counts either.. I don't want people in my life that only come around or call when something happens. I'm not a fiar weather friend and I don't want fair weather friends. I need support. Sometimes I feel like Sean is all I have, yet sometimes I feel like I'm all I have.

I don't want comments like, well you have Mik.. Yes I have Mik but she isn't my support. She doesn't understand why mommy's upset and she doesn't know how to comfort me.. Not that her hugs don't mean the world to me, but I want hugs from those that know what I'm going through and understand what I'm feeling. Mikayla doesnt understand death and greiving. And her only thoughts on fear are child feelings you know... this is beyond that.

I'm not downing anyone, and I am not going to respond to any comments I get where someone took offense to what I'm saying because this isn't about you all, it's baout me.. and me only.. and I feel like I can be selfish here because this is my life and these are my thoughts. Sometimes I'm afraid of puting my whole into my blog here because I don't want to start any wars... But I don't care anymore. I'm not a hateful person and this isn't about anyone else. I'm not saying anyone isn't a good friend or anything like that. I'm just saying that I need more than what I'm getting. And f that's selfish then I'm sorry but thats what I need.

I sometimes feel like no one has time for me, yet I go out of my way to make time for eveyrone else.. and maybe that's my fault. Maybe I do too much for others.. or maybe I'm wrong in expecting a little of it back.. Maybe I'm supposed to do these things for others and just take the gratification that comes with it as my reward.

I tell you what I need I think. I need my Andy back. I miss being able to go talk to him, and being able to get an unbiased truthful response. I miss you andy if you're reading this. Don't think I'm a weirdo... but you really were one of my best friends. Besides Sean, your'e theonly one that always wanted to know what I was feeling.

I know I have manda and Deena I can talk to. I know I can call them anytime I want to. But I don't always feel like they want to talk to me. I'm not saying anyones a bad friend.. although I'm sure thats how it'll be interpreted, but again so be it. I'm just not as fun as I used to be, and I'm not sure if it's because of something I've changed or if it's because of something they've changed. It's funny that everyone claims they want honesty and then when you give it, it hurts someone. And I understand that all people change, you have to. Life is about changing. Reminds me of that song......

Lifes about changing... nothing ever stays the same
How can I help you to say goodbye? It's ok to hurt and it's ok to cry.....
come let me hold you and I will try....

I don't know if I just miss the good ole days, or what but something just doesn't feel the same to me. It may be because we prefer to stay home most the time, it may be because we don't have a lot of money to go ut and do things... it may be because we have Mik and it's hard to cater to a 3 year olds needs, it may be because I'm an asshole... who knows? I just sometimes wish that things didn't change like they do.

Like I said... I had a breakdown today. So now, I'm home alone... just like i wanted, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself today. I need to stop crying though. Maybe take a hot bath, or maybe a walk... take some pictures. Might clean a little, cook me a nice dinner.... I dunno.

If ya get a minute... send some love my way. =)