sigh

I've come to an understanding. (I think) (we'll see I guess) And I think that in order to overcome something then you have to understand this fully.

When you fall and hurt your leg, you could just hole up, ignore it and go to sleep. Do that for like 5 or 6 days and you'll wake up and you're leg will feel better. Because that's something that time heals.

Losing someone isn't one of those things that I think time heals. I know a lot of people say that but it's not really true. I think it can help AIDE in the process because you become familiar again sooner or later with things that person used to be with you or wahtever. Nope.. I think that you making yourself actually deal with it is the only way to overcome greif. I'm not saying it should be a speedy process or anything but in my mind... I remember when my dad died. It really hurt me, and I rebelled and made it known that I was sad, but... I was 14 years old.. That's how most 14 year olds act anyway.. lol so adding something tragic to the scene and gaawd. I'm not saying that I didn't do a good job of getting myself over that either, because I think that all in all I caused no real damage and have adapted quite nicely. I still miss my daddy very much, even more so since my princess came along but I'm not "sad" about it anymore. Been 13 years since that. I just know now that you can't run from things like this. I think I'm more prepared now to keep my mind right when the time comes. I can do it. =)

I know that when I lose mom, it's really gonna hurt. And it's gonna take me backa notch or two, but it's not going to be permanent. I have a wonderful life. I have a great husband, and I have the best kid anyone could ask for. We are a happy, family and I love my life. My mom, however is a big part of my life. I talk to and see her every day, usually more than once. Anytime something interesting comes along, she's the first one I call to tell. I'm going to miss those things. Mikayla loves to go over there just ot hang out and eat moms bologna.. hehe Mik luvs being with her mamaw very much and asks about her every single day. I'm not sure how she's going to react to not having her around anymore. I'm not sure how strong I'm going to be able to be should my daughter need me to be strong ya know? I'm REALLY not sure how my grandma is going to take all this. REALLY not sure. She doesn't get the support she needs all the time now, if she all of a sudden starts getting it she's going to feel like a charity case and reject it. That's just how she is. Except from me.. hehe But on that same note.. grandma cries almost everytime she sees me as it is now. I can only imagine how she's going to be after moms gone. And again... am I going to be able othandle that myself?

I am always the rock. Everyone depends on me. I luv this about me, but it's a downfall in this situation because I don't really think I'm going to be able to be grandmas rock like I am now. I'm going to need my own damned rock. lol And then again, I'll hate it if I can't help her out. Ugh........

Anyway... what brought this on your asking?

Took mom to the doctor today. She thought she had a kidney infection cuz it was hurting when she peed and she's not peeing much (tmi? sorry). Well (after sitting in the office for 3 HOURS) Doc says that (same doc that did liver surgery and found this cancer) pee is fine. Problem is that fluid is not going where it should be. It's going into her stomach instead. And her tumors "weep" and that causes fluid retention too. So she's gained about 40 pounds and half of it is fluid and the other half is where the tumors are growing. Her feet are horribly swollen. He said that all this is a sign of liver failure. She asked the question, as she always does, and he said maybe a month. A MONTH.

So this is starting to get pretty close now. Kinda freaking me out.