....

This Christmas hasn't felt the same as it has in the past. I'm not sure why. Have had a rough year... but no one really knows it but me. My head is full of thoughts but when I'm asked what I'm thinking, I always say nothing. I can't figure out how to word everything I'm thinking. I'm sitting here right now trying to figure out a way... and still. nothing. I don't get it.

I'm not depressed I don't think. I'm happy with my life. I mean, I'm happy I'm alive... I'm glad I have a job, and my family and the few select friends I chose to be close to. I know the good things I have, and I'm aware of the bad, but I try not to dwell on those.

I just, I.... I don't know. I mean, I guess it could be mom. I do miss her. I talked to her everyday, and now it's been over 2 years since I've had someone like that to me. I talk to Sean, and he acts like he's interested but he's not. Guys are just like that. He'll let me talk, but he's not really paying attention... and it doesn't sink in... lol same with most everyone I talk to. So I keep it in and try and deal with it myself...

and then I get to this point. lol *sigh*