GAWD

Was sitting on the couch watching T.V. last night and the phone rang... It was about 9 and that's about usually when mom would call me at night, so I glanced at the clock and thought to myself "well, it's not mom" ..... It was Hospice calling to check on everyone.. I thought that was really nice of them. The weird part about it though was that just hearing them say "Robyn? This is Hospice" brought back the memory of the phone call they made to me to let me know she passed. Ugh... it was like De ja vu and I didn't like it.

I've talked on here before about Sean and I considering buying Grandmas house.... well, I think we've changed our minds... And it's not really because of the house or its location or anything either... it's because I'm so sick of everyone in my family ragging on Grandma and I don't want them to one day come into my house and make little comments like "it looks so much better without so and so.. or it looks great now.. or any of that other shit that I know they'd say" So I think that when my Grandma is no longer here.. which hopefully that's another 20 years away... but still.. when she's gone, I'm gone too. I really think I want to move out of Louisville. I've talked and talked and talked about it.... we've done it once and had to come back but besides Grandma.. theres no reason to come back now.

I wish I had a close family though. I wish we could have "normal" get togethers where everyone was just happy to see each other and it didn't always turn into a big stupid fight because Jim or LeeAnn couldn't keep their mouths closed for a few hours. It's like they thrive on pissing people off. Lee used to be the number one pisser offer... but anymore it's Jim.. Its like he's turned into a gossipy look at me teenage girl and all attention needs to be focused on him. Anytime he calls my grandma he just goes on and on about the conditionof her house.. which is FINE. She can't even walk right now... has surgery scheduled Monday and I helped her straighten up a little the other day... nothing major.. just dusted and ran the vaccuum and picked some thing sup for her... Well he stops by later and she says all proud like "Robyn helped me clean up today.. looks nice don't ya think" His response??? "No it looks like shit" Nice huh? I'm gonna take post-it notes next time I go to his house and write this is dirty.... dust here.... vaccum me.... I smell funny on them and leave them anywhere I see a cobweb or dust bunny. Think he'll like that?

You all wondering if I'm ever going to get over this? I'm sure you are cuz I do bitch about this alot.... but I just can't help it.. and I used to be able to call mom and talk about it with her but I can't anymore.. and when my Grandma calls me crying and upset because her son treats her like shit... then it just gets me going and I have to tell someone. And yes... she literally calls me CRYING. You're not supposed to make your parents cry. You're not supposed to try and make anyone cry... I have a 4 year old daughter and she barely even crys anymore.

And yes to my cuz "R"... I know you're reading this... and I know you're thinking... shut up already but I can't. and I won't. She's not just MY Grandma.... and she's not my mother... yet she turns to me anytime she needs anything and she calls me anytime she's upset cause she knows that I bend over backwards and go out of my way to do what she needs me to do. And since she doesn't tell people what she thinks, I do it for her. Because they need to know.

How could you sleep at night knowing you caused an old lady so much greif all the time? that would make me feel like absolute shit.

And I'll give credit where credits due.... my family has been good to make her food and bring it to her and bring her things like a potty chair and a wheelchair.. but still.... she doesn't go to their houses an dpoint out everything that's dirty.. why in the hell would they do it to her? Why would anyone do that to anyone? Come to my house and say shit like that and you'd be lucky if you didn't go soaring off my third floor balcony with my foot planted squarely inside your ass. I don't keep my house up to anyones "standards" but my own.. if you can't handle it, feel free to NOT come over. And people know this... Terry used to joke on me all the time cause I'm not the best housekeeper... but it didn't change a damned thing... he knows that I'm not going to change my ways just cause he didn't like it.... and yes Terry if you're reading this.. I know you were joking with me, but in a way I also know you were serious cuz yes my house usually is a mess... but I don't care.. lol And you weren't rude about it... I'm just using you as an example. =) Lucky you.

Brian lies to Grandma. Day in and day out he lies to her... his latest lie was that his dogs can't live outside cuz Skylar "is allergic to grass" Yea that's a load of crap... I called his vet and pretended to be his girlfriend and they told me everything that was wrong with the dogs.. and she laughed at me when I mentioned him being allergic to grass. Brian just made that shit up so grandma would think "oh those poor dogs can't be outside". and yes.. that's shitty.... Don't lie to her either. I had a talk with him though about it... not that anything came out of it but at least he knows I busted his head.

I have 2 Grandmas in this world.... my other Grandma has just recently stopped being mean to me. She's always been a hateful lady who just told you everything that was on her mind.... but since mom died, she's been super sweet to me.. She prolly feels sorry for poor little Robyn that has no parents... but regardless of reason, she's been nice lately and I like it.

The Grandma in question though has always been a super lady. She's always been so sweet and kind to me.. and loving and supportive and everything a Grandma is supposed to be... so I've always tried to do the same for her. Her and I joke all the time that I'm her favorite.... but I'm not so sure it's a joke anymore. I know Renae has always been special to her cuz she was the first grandbaby... and Renae is generally very nice to Grandma..... for the most part anyway, but all the others are just like Jim. Brian is her favorite... for reasons unknown... Everyone has always thought that it was cause his mom died when he was little and his dad's a piece of shit.... But that's no excuse to let him walk all over you. Give him extra love, he needs it.. I try to do it too... but don't let him run you either. She needs to be tougher and just put her foot down but she's afraid he'llget mad, run off and not see her anymore... and she's probably right, he would. He's just like that... he runs from his problems.....

Not me. That's why people don't feel sorry for me like they do him. I've lost both parents as well... but I take care of myself, and I'm pretty strong. He's not. I can handle my own life, and I know right from wrong, and I'm fully aware of how to dig myself out of my holes, so I don't put out the image that I need extra help or whatever like he does. ANd I understand this.

In my honest oppinion, I think Jim may be jealous of Brian. That sounds absurd cuz Brians 23 and Jims like 65, but it's the only thing I can come up with. If Jim could just learn to keep his opinions to himself and to stop trying to father Brian then everything would be fine. Brian doesn't want him as a father figure... why jim thinks he can pull that off anyway is beyond me... he supposedly did that to me when dad died... but I honestly can't remember anything he actually did fo rme. He sold my daddy's truck to give mom money that we needed.... but other than that.. he's never called to check on me.. he's never taken me out with him.. he's never had any kinds of "talks" with me.... so no... he was not a father figure in my eyes. He did help me find a car once... but that's not that big of a deal really.

When dad died.. I remember Grandma. I remember her driving across town to come get us and take us to the store... I remember her coming all the way out to fairdale to help mom clean or teach me how to cook something new... SHE was the one that said Move in with me when our trailer was foreclosed on.... SHE was the one that came and said Come back home when Seanand I had our first apt. and I got really sick and couldn't work for awhile... She drove all the way out to Lyndon and packed all my stuff for me cause I was too sick to do it myself.... SHE was the one that stayed on the phone with me almost all night the night mom died... it's her I rmemeber.. so if anything, she's my father. And I'm Brians.

Such a stupid ugly situation. And I don't know how to fix it.