Very sad day

Well, today was moms surgery. They were supposed to take most of her liver and make her cancer free and healthy again. 2 hours into it, they called us back into one of the little conference rooms, so we knew bad news was coming. Dr. told us that when they opened her up, they found hundreds of little cysts all over her abdomen and diaphram, and when they biopsed them, they are all cancer. So she's just eaten up with it now. They closed her up, didn't even attempt the surgery. He said chemo wasn't an option anymore cuz she's already had too much of it, and no more radiation either because she's already had internal radiation and it has left a lot of scar tissue inside already. So when we asked the dreaded question, we got 6 months to a year is all she has left, if that. =(

I feel like someone has kicked me right in the chest. Like my ribs have just caved in. My head is swimming, my heart is barely beating, and I can't stop sweating. I'm so scared. I'm not sure how life is going to be without my mom. Hell, without parents period. Haven't had my dad for 12 years now, but I figured my mom would always be here, at least another 20 years or so.

I know I have to be strong, for myself, but for Mik, and for my grandma, and I can.. I know I can. I'm not going to focus on this though, or at least I'm going to try not to focus on this. I'm going to try and keep things how they've been and just make sure that everything I do my mom is included, that I spend every second I can with her.

I know I'm lucky in a way to have a warning. At least I get to make sure she knows all the things I need to know she knows.. but at the same time, it hurts to look at her and think... I may only have 6 more months with you. I can't imagine how it feels to her... can you imagine knowing your dieing? It has to kill her to see Mikayla and know that she'll never see her grow up. I hope Mik remembers everything about her mamaw.

*sigh*