a little shakey

I've been smoking (cigarettes) since I was 11 years old. I was having a slumber party one night and my dad came out and threw a pack of Viceroys at me and said "stop bumming from your friends". Been a true smoker since that day.

I've quit a time or two since then, my longest was during my pregnancy. Lit one up soon as I got home though, been smoking since then too.

Was laying in bed thinking about stuff tonight..... Mom mainly and I have to admit I'm pretty scared. I also keep thinking about Shannon and how she must feel right now, and I don't want to know that feeling. I lost my dad many many years ago and I can't fathom the idea of losing my mom now. I need her, my daughter needs her.

I keep thinking..... I wonder if I'll get cancer? My grandma had breast cancer and has since had skin cancer twice. My mom had uteriun cancer, then it went into her colon and now her liver. Is this my destiny? And if so... how can I change it?

The first thing that pops into my mind is QUIT SMOKING NOW! I'm not even 30 years old.... if I quit now, my body is still young enough to heal itself from all the damage I've done thusfar right? So I'm gonna do it. I got up from bed tonight with this goal in mind. I just put my last cigarette out.

I have a 2 hour car ride ahead of me tomorrow.... if I can accomplish that, I'm homefree! The car is my weakness. I have to smoke while riding. Right now, I'm shaking like a leaf..... not sure why... I think it's all the emotions running thru me. I want to cry I think but I can't. I'm so scared for my mom.

I haven't talked about this with anyone. I have been keeping myself at peace on my own. It's not that I can't talk to anyone cuz I know I can. Last time she had surgery though I tried talking and got shut down so maybe that's still haunting me, I'm not sure. I dunno.... I'll be alright I'm sure.

When I want to smoke, I'm gonna tell myself..... you want to live to see your daughter turn 50. Mik is gonna be my influence in this, she's my angel. I went to check on her earlier and just sat on her bed and hugged her, she had no idea, she was sound asleep but she has no idea what those hugs mean to me. Have I mentioned I'm scared?

I've been contimplating quitting for some time now and I kept saying I wasn't going to tell anyone cuz all those "so how are you doing not smoking?" comments just piss me off after awhile, but I've decided that maybe I need those comments. I need the reminders. I will do this... I've done it before.. Millions have done it... It can be done.

Everyone please pray for me.... Not that I quit smoking cuz thats not between me and god, thats just between me and me... but pray for strength for me. Pray for strength for my mom. Pray for my cousin.

=)