I'm gonna cry.

Before I start going off, I need to explain first for those that won’t know what I’m talking about. My mom was recently diagnosed with Colon Cancer, then it spread to her liver, then to her lymph nodes, now they’re checking out her lungs because shes mysteriously developed pneumonia. Everything I’ve read online about colorectal cancer, the first place it spreads is your liver, then your lymph nodes, then to your lungs, so judging by the usual path it takes and then looking at my moms situation, it pretty much looks the same. She’s already had surgery to remove part of her colon, and that was successful in removing the majority of cancer from her colon. They are starting her on Chemo next week, in hopes that it’ll shrink the tumor on her liver enough that they can operate and remove it. But naturally she’s scared, who wouldn’t be? And also just as natural as being scared, she’s started wondering about if she’s going to die or not.
I’ve been reading things on how to provide support on this and everything tells you to just listen when the person with cancer needs to talk, even if it makes no sense, or isn’t what you want to hear, just listen to them, and be there for them no matter what, so that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Anyway, yesterday she asked me if I thought Mikayla would remember her if she did die, and I told her I wasn'’ sure because my grandpa died when I was 2 and I don'’ remember him at all, but, my mom and Mik are much much closer than I ever was with my grandpa. So maybe she would be able to remember mom a little.
Anyway, the whole point is that I went home and was trying to talk to Sean about mom asking that because the thought of losing my mom is something that has been weighing VERY heavily on my heart lately. And I’m not stressing out totally about it because I know that God is working with us and that there is the chance that she’ll get totally better, but I also have to prepare myself for the chance that she doesn’t get better, as does she. So anyway again, I was trying to talk to Sean last night about this and he pretty much went off, saying that mom needs to stop thinking about dieing and that he doesn’t feel sorry for her because shes causing uneccesary worry on herself and me. He says that if shed just do exactly what the doctors say then she’ll be fine. Well it’s awesome that he’s got esp but I just don’t trust his powers alone, and I’m still awfully scared. It took everything in me last night while I was cooking dinner to not bust out crying right there in the kitchen in front of Mik. I realize that if he reads this, chances are he’ll get pissed at me, but I had to get it out somehow and talking to him obviously wasn’t an option. This is one thing that is really hard for me to deal with, and the support of my husband is extremely important. Even if he thinks that it’s a mountain out of a molehill, I still want his support. I want him to say to me, I understand why you’re scared, I know your mom is very important to you, I know your mom is very scared because this is a very unpredictable disease, I think it’s alright for you to cry every now and then, and I’m always here to hold you, but instead I get Stop flipping out, and I don’t feel sorry for her because you haven’t been given reason to think that way yet. In my opinion, soon as you hear the words, you have cancer, you immediately (naturally) feel “this could kill me”, because it very well could kill you. Easily. Anyway, I’m hurting right now, because the one person I thought I could always rely on, isn’t there on the level I need him to be with me right now. I’ve been trying really hard to not think about it, but I think maybe I’m going to try and find a support group somewhere so I can have an outlet for my feelings.